Schooled by Mother Nature

Its times like these when I'm sitting at home at the mercy of another of Mother Natures rants that I'm truly humbled which is quickly over taken by indignation "YOU INCONCEIVABLE WANKER" is my favorite train that I like to jump on riding it leaves me mostly I mean completely pissed off boiling enough to make my own cup of tea.....apparently in this technological age all it takes is a little wind, rain a bit flashy lights here and there and the fucking wimpy internet cowers back to the dark age sometimes dragging electricity along for company to make it truly dark....so what do I do sit and wait I reload so many times that if this was some form of masturbation I think I would have had multiple orgasms by now...reload while trying to read not a book those are gathering dust on the shelves....eBooks equal no paper cuts and when I get bored with the actual reading stuff the reader comes packed with lots of nifty tools then its fiddling with the phone plenty of time wasting apps and games installed for just such an occasion or family gatherings....so why the whine well its winter I'm cold its raining and everything is going slowly and I want to crawl back into bed...I think I'll go do that maybe until spring.

Mans World Truly Fucked Up

Tunisian prosecutor seeks new indecency charges against rape victim - TUNISIA - FRANCE 24 Its either the world is fucked up and only thanks to the instant information age that we're noticing or there's too many quasi-men that are fucked up and we're suddenly are able to quantify them...why can't we dump all garbage i.e pedophiles rapists and serial killers into one continent I hear Antarctica is available I'm sure we'd all gladly pay for their shipping in small box crates and dumped down...with parachutes off course I'm NOT totally heartless I vote parachutes be made from lightweight strong materials fishing nets are light and strong aren't they.

Bully Tactics

Israel to build new Jewish settlement homes after UN Palestine vote shame shame I know your name...
a bully by any other name is still a bully.

Gentle Slap Wrist Then Back To Business

US slams Israel's decision to expand settlements - World News Seriously is anyone surprised this happened Israel is poking the bear with a stick...the bear will strike back Israel will respond and scream see I told you they don't want peace we can't work with them...Israel should respect the UN decision you can't expect respect when you don't give any the UN decision came with strict conditions for the Palestinians....peace process depends on both parties adhering to the rules and regulations placed on both of them....this slap on the wrist from the US will be taken and received for what it is by the Israelis an obligatory slap on the wrist your basic badly done Israel badly done scold followed by nothing absolutely nothing...US is Israels biggest supporter unless Israel drops a nuke on Gaza I don't think that will ever change 

Welcome December I've been expecting you like the perpetual dentist appointment that you are...Its the 1st of December and a Saturday way to rain on my weekend Christmas get straight to the screwing and so the countdown to hell begins cold early and begrudgingly secretly hoping the kids don't remember were supposed to be putting the tree up today.....24 days of misery stress and endless trudging back and forth through town scouring for that perfect gift eventually settling as the days dwindle to that'll do and fuck it they'll love it or they better pretend too.....and did I mention money is it me or does it turn like water this month slipping out of your hands quicker than you drink yourself into blissful coma during this happy festive month or does seasonal alcoholic syndrome only affect me.  right up until the 25th is the time I hate the TV every year every other fucking ad is flaunting some new must have toys that have expiration date shorter than the food in my fridge.  I could stop I know I could and just opt out and get off the crazy capitalist driven train that only has two stops death or poverty mine like every year runs out of steam just close to poverty station I have to walk to poor street and get a long bus trip to why the fuck did I not plan this shit earlier like a promise every year after every Christmas...not participating in my own mental decline and monetary theft would make me bad unloving and every other guilt fueled emotion you can think of because nothing says Christmas or I love my nearest and dearest then buying them stuff they want but don't need and all the while insanely driving myself to debtors prison.....Christmas my credit card and rating hate you with a vengeance. 

Mousecapade

Awwww factor just overloaded....I want this guy in my Christmas stocking filler so I can train him to be a ninja cheese stealing agent...mice are small fur balls of cuteness well that is until they escape from their cages then their home wrecking stealthy terrorist out to breed future cells of destruction.....too much coffee in one hour is never a good idea...now I need to get up and go pee.

Please Share Your Crazy Pills (NOT)

GOP Rep. Floats New Conspiracy Theory: Obama Ousted Qaddafi ‘So Al-Qaeda Could Take Over’ | ThinkProgress What rainbow colored crazy pills are the Republicans on I don't know if its a case that they're not getting enough pills to stop the crazies or its too much pills that's making the crazies...if ever a group could be the poster children for the detrimental harm of substance abuse on ones mental capacity then the Republicans are the winners (YEAH you guys win crazy every time...too bad there isn't an election for that) there has to be some sort of drugs involved please don't just be plain batshit crazy I mean I've heard of the elusive SANE Republicans they are rare...but these sane level headed Republicans must be out there ambling along their merry way far from the contaminated watering pool of the common Republican...come back OH great mythical ones your party has jumped head first into the toilet its only a matter of time before someone manages to flush the massive turds convening at the bottom.

Norquist A Case Of Stunted Mental Growth

Norquist: Republicans Should Hold Federal Government Hostage Every Month | ThinkProgress I think this is what happens when the bogeyman crawls out from and under your bed and into the light he does look like a man who would steal candy from babies and tax the poor parents for the crying babies....very scary and you know whats scarier people who listen to and follow crazy.

I'm no expert on the American government but don't these elected officials have to swear an oath to the office because this kind seems like conflict of interest taking another pledge to work against the people they are supposed to represent and I don't mean just the filthy rich and the people who hold things hostage usually called terrorists...Okay I've perused a little bit on Mr Norquist and turns out he thought up his grand plan when he was 12 years old....he doesn't seem to have aged mentally because hes acting like a child having a temper tantrum and won't quit until the adults bow down and buy him the toy he wants.  

I've never seen him so excited | DailyFailCenter

I've never seen him so excited | DailyFailCenter:

'via Blog this' The cat has got a "WHATEVER DUDE" expression like hes heard it all before probably thinking bloody human just feed me and shut up already I've got my own problems....and if you humans all die I got dibs on your ass either way I'm getting fed.

Geek Breeding

I'm a geek not ashamed to wear the badge with honour I love sci-fi and fantasy movies books and comics not to mention games especially rpgs so yes I'm a geek it's easier to admit these days because being one is actually cool now back then only boys liked stuff like that and they were usually pimpled loners floundering at the bottom of the social ladder....probably lower than that COOL was not a word they were labelled with and girls did not like whatever boys liked unless they were the cute boys tall dark brooding football loving cute boys every straight girl fantasised about then you pretended to be interested just interested mind you....I was a closet geek my mother despaired that my geekness was a symptom of a more darker underlying reality that I was a lesbian in my mothers crazed irratic squiggly line of reasoning was that if you don't act like a girl then your a lesbian....alas as much as I would have loved to gift my mother with a lesbian daughter she so clearly wanted...I was onto her reverse psychology fire and brimstone prophecies and eternal damnation because and I quote "you're not a lesbian I didn't give birth to gay kids....other people have gay kids not me"...yes thats the way life works you only get the lemons you asked for...by the way my crazed mother is fine with homosexuals gay lesbian bi you name it she has friends who are gay and will defend them with her last breath just as long as their not her children we've tried in vain to point out her hypocrisy only to be bashed with her bible my mother gets more religious and intolerant with age wisdom and tolerance must be in the lost edition...any ways geek yes turned my little brother into a quasi geek who plays the guitar and loves rock and metal then turned my attention to my oldest nephews geekdom didn't stick with them but they do have a more eclectic musical tastes thanks to me my attentions now have been directed to my younger nephew and niece why because geeks love company....they love comic books what kid wouldn't less words more pictures and all things sci-fi....i feel like Professor Frankenstein trying to create the perfect geek monster I'm close to declaring "ITS ALIVE" before my little creations....right as they strap on the straight jacket.

Go Pro Or Just No

Bastards Bloody bastards.....well you know fucking what last time I ever try to participate in your bully tactics...that WordWeb that I was harping on about well it turns out that I really should of read that small print which I can't remember....I answered the fucking question never mind I lied it asked for an answer not bloody honesty...according to it under the licensing terms who even reads them WHO.....anyways I agreed to blah blah blah and its holding me hostage to blah blah blah something about agreeing to lower my carbon footprint by only flying once a year is that even legal telling someone how many times they can fly so now I have to download the pro that's going to cost me money version....why oh fucking why would I download the expensive stuff when I can just uninstall and troll for another free app I'm lazy and a scrooge not fucking dumb....never overestimate your importance to consumers when there's whole mountain of free shit to wade through.

Bullying Free

I love downloading free stuff....why? well if you have to ask we clearly shouldn't be friends IT'S FUCKING FREE if you must have a reason excuse my french actually wish I could speak french I would say every swear word under the sun then make more up because FRENCH...people it's a sexy language...anyway I digress back to the free stuff I downloaded WordWeb a handy dictionary with thesaurus Wikipedia that does lots of useful stuff because every now and then I remember that I'm a boring adult not a marauding knight or a warlord with a vast conquered empire I don't know what people did before the invention of computer gaming probably wrote books and used their imagination like neanderthals...back in reality I have to do boring stuff with my brain so I install useful grown up stuff so I don't have to use the brain too much....anyways today I tried to use the app to find different meanings because I adult with a huge procrastination problem its like a syndrome with meaning.....when I tried to use my free useful for also time wasting application a message popped up 'if you wish to use the following free version please answer the following question' its seems like a threat you want this then you better do this a nice threat but it still threat...its a multiple answers AWWWW how thoughtful I don't even have to write my answer you know myself and I was so looking forward to letting my free range imagination with ponies and everything go nuts....but no 3 perfectly sane boring simple answers to chose from....underneath my multiple choice is another threat if you don't want to do this then purchase the pro version now if that isn't blatant bullying I don't know what is...the mafia of free downloads has struck and he wants payment for my continued patronage in bloody questions I guess had I bothered to read the small print I might have been warned can't remember if there was any small print addictions can do that to you grip you so fiercely that you click install just to get your fix....I know what your thinking answer the bloody question and move on but that's not the point or the principle I want free stuff no work or hassle this goes completely against my lazy ethos....if I wanted a chronic blitz question I would of signed up for surveys I actually did for some free competition with the absolute knowledge that I had no intention of completing any survey I just delete the emails until they stop or I die.....probably die first spammers are fucking dedicated.....in case your wondering I answered the question it was about flights and if I had taken any in the last year nosy bloody bastards....really wish I could've wrote my own answer my sarcasm is fully charged and ready to bitch all over that....but sadly no I had to go with the lie because hell if I should be imposed upon and fucking honest too.

Bad Aunting...My Bad

I found the little wench dangling on the other side of the door munching away on a sour orange refusing to let her mother in her own room regardless of the fact that my sister was busy getting ready to go out....so yes complete waste of energy but don't bother telling her that.....shes winning that's what she'll be walking away.

After playing a game of push and pull she finally relented and let me into the dark shutters down lights off it was like entering the wenches lair it couldn't be more ominous than if she was standing their with a Cheshire grin stroking a bald red eyed cat mouthing in a Russian accent "I've been expecting you" I got the usual interrogation as I made my way around sisters boudoir...I like the word boudoir bedroom sounds ordinary childish whereas boudoir is elegant and sexy a grownup sanctuary for mischief and adventure but in reality my sisters room is just a darkroom to sleep and hide from her midget bullies. 
"what are you doing"...."stealing" I replied bluntly to her question as I reclaimed my USB keyboard from my sister....why do I have a USB keyboard if you have kids or one has ever hoovered around you then you know why... there's 18 reasons why I have a USB keyboard my sister has 88 reasons and there called keys that's the amount I"m missing and my sister actually that's all her keys...the little ray of radioactive sunshine picked out everyone of her keys her excuse my sister didn't have the foresight to tell her not to do something she hadn't thought of doing yet...because that's what we need to be doing giving you ideas on how to add to collective misery.
"STEALING" her face lit I could image little stars with WOW engraved on them flashing in her eyes quite the opposite of being horrified she was actually impressed and was quite eager for me steal some more stuff note to self if I ever need a criminal sidekick the pink loving wench will probably be to busy masterminding her evil world domination...awkward moment number I've lost count I think I'm may have carved a future path to thievery that leads ultimately to the dark side....okay I know she's already a part time resident of the dark side but I might have made it permanent  

Simple

It's the little things in life that make me smile I smile even more when it's free....just update mobile blogger and was all wow ohhh...i know I need a life right please don't say it just smile for my comatosed life....by the way I wrote this little ramble just so I can post from my updated blogger.

Slug Apocalypse

Scoff if you will but those slimy bastards are back with a vengeance...and on a painfully slow crawling march of destruction towards any vegetation right now their march to my garden is taking a short cut through the house...if they were'nt so icky I would totally attack instead of running away like a little repulsed girl.

Decepticons

You know that saying of get a pet and fuck up the carpet or get a kid and fuck up our lives..go for the fucking pet because kids fuck up everything the carpet walls furniture your life they destroy without impunity or discrimination these little nutters are the ultimate decepticons they look innocent but are dangerous destructive machines hell bent on your total domination okay maybe not so much your domination but complete control of your purse...anyways I'm currently shopping for the perfect child substitute pet something small not so needy and requires very little cleaning maybe I should consider a virtual pet instant reset and less guilt if okay when it dies...tamagotchi rest in peace.

Dumbing Down Through Association

Common side-effect of spending to much time with children especially young ones is your vocabulary takes a downgrade or is that a downsize because its no longer used to full capacity or capabilities because neither of those words or the million or so other words of the dictionary the little rugrats have ever encountered…basically if the dictionary was a company I would have to have a meeting and fire 90% of them for being to long to complex and just plain unsuitable yes all you fucking swear words you’d the first ones unceremoniously dropped kicked out into  the cold…only to be let in through the back door because prolonged proximity to children brings out the cursing demon  and not being allowed to swear is when you most want to.

  

I’ve fixed my cursing addiction by promoting certain animals(duck badger fox) fruits(lemon banana) and vegetables(broccoli beans mushroom)  to swear words they don’t really pack quiet the same punch and seem rather eccentric nice way of saying plain nuts especially considering no one is in on my word substitution game.

Creativity

Well I'm impressed left the little munchkins alone outside while I perused the net like a troll boss..its sheer dumb luck that their still alive what with my overprotective eye constantly slacking on the job.

But they didn't break anything not that I could tell and their not suffering any symptoms of guilty syndrome...so I'm going too have faith and bask in ignorance for the moment...what they did however was very artistic and made me smile humanity is a beautiful thing sweet kind caring and ingenious it takes the smaller souls to remind you...thank you little horrors for restoring my faith a little piece at a time.

Excruciating

There are many sounds in the world beautiful haunting moving scary and off course not to mention painful...the most painful ear splitting murder inducing sound I've discovered that had yet to be rivalled is the sound off a child crying..this isn't a cry of normal pain this is a cry of I'm going to make you suffer bleeding slowly from your ears until you wish nay pray for own death.

If you've been unfortunate in you're life that you've found yourself to be in the same space as a child long enough you start to distinguish between the crys...and the cry born out of pure vengeance is the deadliest its only function is to debelitate your sense slowly crippling all rational processing thoughts until you breakdown into 2 levels the crying I want to kill myself level or the get stressed and angry going to kill you instead level...theirs a third level most adults choose its the bottle level drink until you don't care or until its bearable.

Alcohol not only making the ugly pretty but helping parents and child carers survive always in moderation off course unless you're dealing with satans little spawn the cute little Damian then you go right ahead and blackout.

Died In Vain

Elvira the crazy animal smothering tiny tune hugged and beat the shit out of a very large stuffed bear...RIP Big Bear thanks for taking the hits I appreciate your sacrifice honey pots await you in the fluffy kingdom.

Absent Because Life Happened

Thats right life came and interrupted my idleness it broke into my quiet little crab shell in the dead of the night like an armed swat team on crack guns blazing scaring the shit out of me as bullets exploded everywhere tearing into anything solid...handcuffed me and dragged me out kicking and screaming to a larger cell called life...no I am obviously lying sorry I'm a certified pathological liar..thats also a lie I've never been accredited for my lies...the banal truth is I just forgot.

Arsehole Syndrome

I woke up this morning like I do every morning to the usual sound of dogs bitching mixed with screeching tweeting birds..the resident dog stirrer is not ours but a neighbours way down the street its very territorial and aggressive but if you approach it, it scurries away like a mouse chased by a cat, tail between its legs for the safety of its front doors...suffice to say mother nature and the animal kingdom are converging to piss me off every fucking morning.

But what I hate is the constant barking all through the night its like the entire dog population congregates outside our street for a canine west side story with the occasional cats production every now and then..this is what I call the canine arsehole syndrome sprinkled with the morning dose off mother nature bitch slapping me awake with the bloody light show that is the sun timed lovingly with the cricket and bird orchestra..i hate animal suffering our cruelty but that early in the morning I would gladly go hunting for anything that squeaks.

Touchscreen

TOUCH-SCREEN.....sounds so provocative but unfortunately its technology at its best immersive interactive and totally fucking annoying I've become retarded towards normal phones instinctively frigging the screens like an overzealous teenager wondering why it wont work the inevitable face-palm moment hits....I'm a Muppet damn you sleek and shiny android phone....you would be perfect if it wasn't for your flaws number one your a fucking touch-screen novelty has worn off like an expensive Xmas toy that gets shafted for the cheap stocking filler. ...and also lest not forget to fuck you qwerty just who the hell were you designed for dwarfs perhaps.....I thought the pc was making me antisocial I had no idea phone apps would certify it I now prefer sending virtual messages...tweets.....IM....to just popping around or talking.....soooooo overrated by the way this my friends if i have any left is what a techno hermit looks like...if you could see me that is....just downloaded an app to let people know where basically I've just bugged myself and an app to talk to complete strangers thus increasing the chances of a serial killer.....2012 is help a homicidal killer find you because not every killer has a genius IQ.....our techs maybe getting smarter but were climbing back the tree....banana anyone....anyway rant over would go on really but qwerty is testing my love for this phone.

Wet Dreams

Sleepless in the Med

The wet dreams I've been having are more like nightmares...not that I'm the one with the problem seriously its not about me the little princess is the one with water troubles....I think she's staging her own version of water-world over and over...its gotten to the point where the only way to ensure a dry night is to take her to the toilet every hour until 1:30 draining the last drop of pee out of her like she was a sponge..the only problem with that is one tends to get tired and fall asleep and then wake panic stricken because you remember Niagara Falls slumbering away has probably flooded the room and is floating down the hall in her very wet bed.....true enough minus the flood slight exaggeration on my part, and I don't know what it is about 1:30 but if she misses one of her hourly appointments then resistance is definitely futile.

My sleep pattern resembles a seismograph before a big quake erratic...I'm tired very grumpy and wishing the wet dreams would end before I do something drastic....like put her to sleep outside with the dog...seriously if it wasn't for mother I think she would have been their by now...and why I'm even sharing toilet duty because sisterhood is apparently all about sharing misery....bloody mothers and their bloody kids this is why I never plan to have children I draw the line at pets...actually scratch that I draw the line at anything living requiring constant love and attention just pass me the house plants....they'll probably shrivel up and die of thirst but I can always replace them without anyone noticing or caring. 

Ignorance and Innocence

We are ignorant because we don't know any better....we are innocent because we believe unconditionally...only one can survive adulthood ignorance is not subjective to youth it is not inherent to class or sex it surpasses all and spares no one....My little nephew and niece take for granted that magic exists there are fairies for everything and evil can be easily conquered with a large megazord driven by teenagers imbued with power by some ancient crystals....if only innocence could survive knowledge...knowledge that great hammer of reality which breaks all fantasy and dreams until all is left is bitterness and emptiness we fill with more knowledge...I envy them they live in a world were everything is possible but also I pity them their sandcastle kingdom unable to survive foaming waves of reality.      

How Low Can You Go!

I used to think naively that Life was like dodge ball throwing you only what you can catch....I'm sure that would be the case if I didn't have the paranoid feeling that life or its vengeful sister karma hated me or maybe they both teamed up for some tag team take-down...I just wish I had someone to tag me out for respite....unfortunately there is no respite from life there's drugs lots of lovely rainbow coloured drugs to temporarily slip out the back door and take five but hardly long enough for broken body or soul to recover...life these days seems to have morphed into a stereotypical mean girl intent on serving pain and misery as I'm left cowering in a foetal position as every ball hurtles towards me...I spend the time wondering what did I do to piss off the queen bee so much and praying that missile which pelted into my back was the last ball...dear god let it be the last one....How low can I go I don't know at this point I would have thought this was my lowest but apparently life and karma have other ideas I sit here mentally going through my list of everybody and anybody human and trying to figure out who I could have possibly wronged to deserve karmas attention.

I marked the lowest point in my life boldly with chalk and twice with the words FUCKED hoping that I can't possible slip any further....life and karma please stop you've won beaten me down at least let me get up so I can take the next onslaught.