Sleeping On A Rock

I've stewed and grinded on the boulder gnawing it down to an edible size, now it rests in the bottom of dark hole with the other stones of anger and resentment, the pile is slowly growning there is so much that I'm afraid of it all exploding like a devasting volcanoe that leaves a long lasting effect. Today I feel a little lighter but the issues are still there locked in the closet waiting to be addressed but for now I think I'll just let them stay in the dark.

The Other Sister

Our little sister is planning to visit and I'm very excited we grew appart when she turned 12 and I was a teenager, she became wild and started drinking which led to drugs but now at the ripe mature age of 25 she's clambered out of the deep dark hole she fell into enrolled in college is attending therapy and slowly rebuilding her life, I'm rather proud a feeling I never imagined I would have towards her. But it will be a welcome relief the little voice in my head keeps whispering pack your bags and run the minute she arrives shouting your turn just as the taxi screeches loudly for the airport, but the other voice in my head whispers back she'll be back on drugs after a week with her beautiful nephews and niece, lets face it the only reason I am not an alcoholic is because I don't really like alcohol, I'm on enough medicated and otherwise that I don't want to be popping anymore my thyroids pills, the contraception pillsand headache pills that it would be like asking for an overdose on a cocktail mix.

Still Shinning

Its been 3 days and the sun is still shinning I'm starting to get my hopes up about the weather, but I too tired to enjoy it I just want to slump on the sofa and vegetate, The Dinosaur came down with the cold yesterday running around the shaggy lawn enjoying the sun as the winter wind was still creeping about and caught him, It was like sharing a bed with an epileptic in a middle of a sizure hurling himself left and right and having a kicking frenzy as though he was audition for the riverdance. My sister went awol yesterday evening with her friend rudely leaving the house without so much as goodbye or you don't mind if I nip out for awhile that would be too polite. No she just crept away under the guise of escorting her friend out and never returned she was kind enough to haul herself in after 12 in a drunken state, which she is paying for this morning cradling the toilet as she loudly threw back yesterdays sunday meal, the Pink Piranha clutching her oversized cow watched over her half with amusement and the other half with concern asking in her babbling voice 'what you doo'. The Dinosaur was unimpressed he's seen the scene one to many times that its gotten old. I can't be arsed to acknowledge her state a decent person would have asked someone not just assumed, and I think that's whats being slowly grinding at me for the past 2 years her arrogant assuming nature.

I should be the wild and reckless one not the one left minding someone else's children. I fondly remember going out scantly clad in various outfits only working girls should be allowed to wear drinking cocktails until I'd killed the taste buds in my mouth then pub crawling through the town for more drink, to end up spending the next day in bed like a grouch ignoring the world as I groan in self disgust at what my mind slowly replays. Now I'm a glorified nanny who has no life my social life has no substance interacting with strangers through words on the computer, my life is a retro text based rpg game, no graphics no colour all imagination. As I sit here typing trying to think how I got here with kids I never blurted out and no life, I know I have to get out before I drown.

Bakers Fever

Since my island confinement stretched over the limit to unspecified I haved discovered my love for cooking, I think money has a habit of turning a passion into a chore, working as a chef become tedious I drag myself to work and sweated over a stove at times I felt like a fast food cook churning out quantity instead of quality. So I left and joined an agency the only thing that saved my sanity. I love the adventurous nature of different places and people and different receipes to experiment was liberating there was no routine for boredom to set in.

My black book of receipes is ever growing as I explore new ways of cooking the same meats and vegetables, but what I have discovered that I find more enjoyable than anything is baking yesterday I spent half the day in the kitchen away from the zoo animals to the almost peaceful corner in the house as every now and then a little one would escape wailing and tattling usually with a request to hit someone, like some brute muscle bound to inflicting physical pain by request of tiny mafia dons. I refused so they ran to their mother and requested she beat me for my ignorance.

Well annoying small things aside I managed to bake a yellow butter cake and it looked exactly as it should and tasted great, I was so proud. Today I'm going to try making flapjacks which I love.

Almost S

Today the sun didn't just bob and weave its head through the clouds it actually glowed warm deceptively like a summer day, the blue sky was bright and the ghostly clouds waned into the atmosphere. The first thing the Dinosaur said as he was freed from his weather bound incarceration was 'wow its a sunny day'. I tried to ignore the obivous doom brewing over the mountains rain clouds well I plan to enjoy it while it still shines.

Soap Drama

Soaps are like your sterotypical gay man an over the top drama, where everything revolves around sex wanting it, having it, then watching everything self destruct usually in a murder and a lot of tears. I have noticed the difference between British and American soaps, ours tend to be bleak depressing affairs with a slight grip of realiy whereas the Americans are lavish and colourful with no ugly people in sight and constant sex there are more people in bed then out of it.

I don't watch soaps I like to consider myself above such lame melodrama my sister on the other hand religiously watches her 3 favorite regurgitated rubbish of Emmerdale, Eastenders and Coronation street, possessively hoarding the remote control until they finish trying to subdue her riotous young brood to silence during that period unsuccessfully I might add, so she just hangs at the edge of her seat drowning out the chaos around her .

But I find myself amazed and preturbed at how easily ingrossed in this rubbish I have gotten, catching glimpses slyly from the corner of my eye as though it was porn and I was too afraid to enjoy it.

Coffe Break

A very dark sweet cup of hot coffee to settle your frustration and chill the Everest like mountain of anger. The Pink Piranha is having a nap and the Dinosaur is being mentally subdued by the violent antics of 'Tom and Jerry', the orges are home all muddied from school stripped and showered actually resemble children with a mother instead of the unsightly street urchins that bounded through the door wet and dirty shivering slightly from a beach excursion, the small private school they attend has barely the grounds to spit in and so all their physical exercise is done on the beach just 5 minutes away, normally the Orges enjoy P.E day in the swealtering summer when the aircon is your best friend along with the beach and pool. But I imagine the wide exposed beach in winter with windy gales that can bend trees left and right seems more like torture then pleasure. Rather them than me I have the circulation of an old woman a gentle breeze is enough to make me shiver, I spend most of my days molesting the radiator for warmth, with my daily bum warming exercises.

Age of Whining

Arrrrrrrghhhhh!!! I have spent over an hour in the backseat sandwiched between the Pink Piranha and the Dinosaur. Trying to ignore the long strained moaning cry, sighing out of the Dinosaurs mouth asking me over and over to smack his mother. Smack his mother I wanted to beat her with a stupid stick for having so many bloody things, at that precise moment in time I think I could have thrown him out of the car and killed his mother, the ear piercing wailing that filled the claustrophobic space was enough to be a human rights violation. The Pink Piranha quietly watched the whole drama wide eyed like one of those wreck junkies gawking at a spiralling crash unable to pull away, that and probably misery loves nothing more than company and nothing says a party then tears. I think in future I'll sit by the exit.

reasoning with the unreasonable

Children I have come to realise veiw everything in a logical approach nothing is ever complicated and all things are either black or white no shades exists what so ever. All the accumulated stuff that grown ups think and stress about they just blank, droping a white screen of ignorance over it and scribbling their nonsense over to make it pretty.

The Pink Piranha who's a JLo Diva at the age of just 20 months insists on testing my resolve and lungs at the same time, after grappling over the sofa and wriggling through the railings she proudly squated like some cave child savage on the stairs and bellowed in her screechy voice something only a teletubby would understand, goading me to run after her, trying to reason with a child is like to trying to reason with a bad monkey hurling bananas only with better results in the case of the monkey. My pointing finger sprang up sharply aimed at her a weapon of no mass destruction in her tiny opinion, she just smiled sreeching at this game I insist on playing where I point and raise my voice to her delight. Well she won that and every round she went up the stairs and I went up after her before she got bored and found a new game this one involved littering the floor with toy mines, The Dinosaurs ears pricked up at the sound of mayhem and scrambling from his chair decided to play toy projectile screaming everytime one flew in the air and laughing like drugged up mental patient as the toys skidded along the wooden floor.

At this point I resigned from the care club and slumped by the radiator waiting for the game to get old.

Spaceless

Space no matter how small is precious and is never more felt when you don't have it, currently my space is being occupied by a small growling terror, no its not a dog or a cat but a 3 year old boy with a dinosaur complex since moving in with my sister for an undisclosed ammount of time to help her with the kids because lets face it men are not Swiss army knives but specific tools with limited abilities. I found myself with a roommate as soon as the reserved sign was slapped on the cot. I lay awake that first night expecting to wrestle the dinosaur to sleep but he slept snorting loudly like a piglet, its amazing how a temprary situation a defined beginning with a end clearly mapped out well insight, well the horizon seems to be stretching and stretching.

A year down the line I still have a roommate dispite my best efforts to pawn him off on his brothers the rightful heirs to the delightful treasure. Now my space is an outline, the dinosaur has taken over my bed discarding his perfectly assembled ikea bed a rare thing indeed, I now spend my nights being attacked as wriggling legs kick and knead relentlessly throught out the night as I linger dangerously close to the edge of the bed. The pink piranha the small dumpling that she is, keeps trying to invade the already occupied room every morning she calls out my name as her little legs scurry along the marbled floor and thuding abruptly to a stop wriggling on the brass handle until the door opens and loudly screechs her presences her pale tanned complexion beaming red with wicked smile I plan on etching onto the dark wood 'NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN' before it resembles a childrens song.

Playtime at the Zoo

The bloody things have been fed and I'm eagerly watching the time tick away on the computer screen for the wonderful time of the day, bedtime. For now the fighting seems tempered as the little ones play with the younger Orge the one I call the Mumbler, at the best of times he's a hyper squirrel falling over his own tongue at the worst he's a caffeine dosed squirrel rabbiting beyond the speed of auidble sound all you hear is the twittering and see the eyes bulging with excitment.
The elder Orge Grumpy is constantly pmsing I think its the constant exposure to estrogen that makes him hormonal, is sitting quietly which is unusual for him his mouth normal is always spitting streams of nonsense he resembles background commentary to a teenage toilet humour comedy film, the sense of absurd humour adam sandler would had as a child nearing puberty, or a drunken trying to slur a stream of words into a joke. Grumpy is playing on the computer building and destroying civilizations. The little things have ignored the Mumbler for their own mess creating amusements he is now laying comatosed on the rug waiting for some attention. I'm quiet amazed at his patients he hasn't moved for a 10 minutes I'm starting to wonder if the little ones have killed him nope he just moved his head.

Winter Day

Rain, the winter in the med is wet and cold no snow in sight just soggy mud gushing streams rolling of roofs and windy down streets and dirt roads. The rain was quietly slashing away this morning minding its own business uneffecting those it showered over, that was until this afternoon when the clouds gathered thick and strong like an invading horde striking their steels across the horizen in flashing blue light. The roar of the army came softly gathering momentum with each war cry until it felt as if the thunder itself was baring down on the house.

Everytime the thunder roars the Pink Piranha keeps running for legs to cower under the Dino thinks its another dinosaur Red Claw (from the 'land before time') stomping about in the mountains which makes him growl loudly over and over, lovely more noise in a small space. The Orges humped through the door sour faced grumbling cold from the rain greeted by tiny excited tumbling feet calling out their names. The Orges have been home barely an hour when they start bickering like grumpy old couple, for a change my sister the can't cook unless it comes from a colemans pack or frozen, is making dinner. Nothing exciting spaghetti bolognese rushing to make it all within the hour, not for the sake of our stomachs but because her diatribe soaps will be possessing her attention for an hour. I sat waiting for the envitable could you check on the dinner, luckily I came to the rescue of the sauce just as the mince was clinging to the pan.

Bloody Things

Children or as I appropiately call them bloody things have become my constant splinters wedged uncomfortably in my thumb, the kind that burrow deep within your flesh their existence is felt by small tinkering pangs that throb, and like a possessed mad hatter you nibble away flesh in painful vain.
The blurted offsprings of my sister the 4 bloody things have become my constant companions, since my voluntary incarcerations, first their were 2 little boys sweet bickering orges then came 3 wild dinosaur growling boy stomping energetically everywhere and last came the girl cherub looking sun shine smile but is all piranha, the pink piranha, the victim of her mothers colour fetish I guess after 12 years of boys when she was finally blessed with a girl, the little girl with a dreams of her own little doll to pamper and fawn over came out with a vengence. I'm constantly amazed by different shades pink clothes come in and how many shoes one little girl can amass in the space of 20 months.
I have never wanted kids and never has my resolve been so concrete then after living with my sister and her brood in the mostly sunny island in the med. At first I was the happy mule bringing goodies from the cold artic home, but one visit to many after the baby dino was born, I was unpacking for a weeks break from the chill my sister was worried starring endlessy into the mirror at her proturding bump suspecting she was pregnent AGAIN never I have felt the need to slap a woman in my life WTF?
We spent the next couple of days shrugging off the thought as absurd, well apparently not 9 months later and out comes the pink piranha.
MY week become an extend couple of months until I retired as the mule and took up the post as nanny, it seemed like a sabitical from the agency just until the dino was a little older, well the dino is 3 years old the orges are 12 and 9 and the pink piranha is 20 months and I can't seem to crawl out of the hole I fell into and dug deeper like a nervous hypochondriac.

Life in the Med

Homesickness I've discovered can afflict any age even the most stoic of travellers. Its been almost 2 years living the life of a sun worshipping hobo, country hopping back and forth. I have no house to return to so I will be looking upon the kindness of my mother and no job treadmill to run tirelessly along and moan about. And I'm afraid to say pathetic state of finance, going home is dusting of the old rusted bike from the back of a shed and figuring out how to ride it without causing bodily harm. The thought of returning is a knot twisting dread weaved with euphoric butterflies fluttering in excitment, the excitment at the thought of freedom, freedom from the confines of a jam jar bubble.

Living in a sun drenched island would hardly seem like a harsh imprisonment, more of a very relaxed open prison of limited potential, freedom strained by the awakward language barrier and customs, freedom of action to come and go as I please, and the freedom of having money to waste as I please, my life for almost 2 years has been an easy suffocating ride, one which has made me resentful at myself for getting too comfortable and ignoring the bumps and grinds and the building nausea, well the ride is slowly braking to a halt the question is when, the longer it takes to return home the harder it will be for my resolve to clamber over the wall of doubt.

But I think its easier to cast of the amazing technicolour coat of the med when the weather is miserably cold and wet reminding of home